nocturnal ramble

genius lost in sleep
lying in white sheets under white ceilings
walls the same
street lights and moon lights
the only witness to life changing ideas
forgotten with blinks of sleep
long and deep
flared with dreams in between

lazy or scared?
how much energy is used by
THIS
words from keys from fingers from drunk brains
swimming in love lost and wanted
constant and fleeting
one smile to the next
one hip
one ankle
one jawline
to the next

i resolve to seek resolutions
under the shade of cloudless skies
dark and moving like the midnight river
wrapped in borrowed covers
loaned on trust
faith in a higher power
willing to push me beyond myself

love lost and wanted
constant and fleeting
even in empty beds above empty streets.

under it

everything is cluttered, dusty
an old bookshelf dying in an ancient mansion
manuscripts — words upon words
pressed, inked, forgotten
stacked on wooden shelves in dreary hallways
dark winds howl through
cracked windows and shattered moonlight
illuminate ideas left for the dead

an invisible force behind sleepless eyes
weighs down life
every step, fraught with fear
every breath a life altering decision
a pendulum of momentum
towards peace — hurtling back towards
anonymity
worlds of eyeless faces
dripping from bones
staring into blank pages
empty parchment of unfulfilled dreams
delirious and soaking with words yet spoken

my god
my god
where have i forsaken you

in memories these hopes were yours
spun on silent records from above
broadcast to hungry ears in
cold beds of
lonely bodies

i run down black corridors
lined with beautiful spines
letters and names screaming
pitch black voices
footsteps echo
faster
faster faster faster
knees buckle, ankles swell, toes break
pushed against thousands of heavy books
rheumy eyes and weak muscles
buried alive under tumbling
words

A Letter From The Mirror

A Letter From The Mirror

You are the ugliest man alive.
The loneliest set of eyes,
Worthless as a penny.
The world spent more energy to make you,
To spit you into existence,
Than you can ever repay, ever make up for.
You sit on a throne of regret
Surveying your millions of failures from afar,
Distanced only by denial.
A winding road from your sullied feet
Stretches out through the prostate masses of doubt
To the river of fear.
It flows abundantly,
Majestically, the only thing of any value in your kingdom
Of sorrows, built with the sweat of pestilent slaves,
Running from your every pore. Your every breath
Is a curse to this great land you have invaded
By reluctant force, unsure of every decision you waffle
On and on about, scared of all circumstances, each possibility
It’s own infinite well of sacrilegious love.

I approach the mirror in the dark. I brush my teeth by the moonlight, dirtied and dimmed by the opaque window above, filtered down from magnificent to just enough. I swish the water in my mouth—the faint taste of led and minty paste—before spitting it out, spilling it from my lips unto the basin below, it too stained and in disrepair. Why turn the light on? Why see the words, when I can already hear them, like the falling water from the faucet, cold and lifeless, meaningless in this form. Spit swish spit. Turn the knob to the right. Close the door. Cover my head with threadbare sheets. Dream of a day lived fully.

Could I breathe
One breath
Of yours

Could I see one shrug…one bare shoulder…one dimple during a smile…

I would be content to see one shadow of your shape, strolling through the city, sun to the left, building to the right, your beauty sliding in and out, up and down, on the red brick walls. I could find you in that. Know your person. Know your desire, the way you rest your elbow on your knee, late at night, in the silhouette of one lamp. Your weight was left on me, impressed in my skin, embossed like a signature…I don’t even know you, but I know, I understand what I want. My want is in the negative, my need the positive. I want to not be lonely. I need to be loved.

the feeling of you.

eyes of wonder
creased in laughter
for now your mine
in a moment you’ll be gone
beauty wrapped in memory
two hours deep

this is what i want

bodies pressed for warmth
beneath sputtered clouds
shimmering blue atop waves of
yellow and seas of green
petals in hair and soft lips
against mine
spinning here through time

this is what you are

recycled dreams of love
selfish young heartbreaks mended
in your hands
chasing fear and truth
from tongues of mortals
mere mortals, dying, breathing, waiting
for you

this is what we are

one hundred and twenty minutes
bliss incarnate
burned in regret
lost in the space between your words
of what could have been
what the wind knows should have been
in a moment when we were perfect

this is what i am

an endless revolution of love
found
lost
forgotten
reborn
the next time i see your face

this is when you’re gone.

incidentally, i think about you often. mental trappings, scraps and bit and pieces and little things tucked away, left inside that i can’t rid myself of. i don’t even know who you are. just a muse. a face. a look. a smell. a taste. a feeling i know when i see you. when i know i’ve missed you. i’m here waiting, always waiting, learning to be searching without needing, wanting without hating. this is how this works.

she moved in moments

silky brown tones and soft melodies,
wrapped simply in a slim black dress…

light green shadows caressed around clean white pools,
blinking in the hot summer sun…

smooth lines to perfect curved edges,
framed and held in place by twists of natural curls,
tight or pulled back, sometimes hanging loose with care,
scented by angels lost in your hair…

hands play with innocent thoughts,
roll them around on bar tops of dark cracked oak,
darker red napkins touched against lips the same…

your voice dances over dying breaths,
heaving chests,
waiting, wondering, hoping for the words i need to hear…

the words to draw you near,
an embrace, a kiss,
anything, anything, anything to keep you in this…

moments of abated bliss,
drowned in neon lights and sweating cement…

the city held it’s tongue,
watched and laughed and wanted to run,
but it stayed for us,
stayed for my single wish…

witness this beauty, feel this warmth,
hear her voice, crisp like autumn rain,
deep and sorrowful, light and jubilant,
feel her hands, her skin,
know the shape of her endless hips,
hug her body with your blanket of mist,
your late august swoon,
take her all in, remember it good…
’cause when i’m alone, lost in life’s miseries,
whisper to me cruel city,
one time she was here,
on this corner,
in this moment,
in your arms…
for one simple second, this feeling was ours…

i just missed you
again, forever
until you come around, come through
just passing, gives me that shiver
from miles away, hours between
i feel you on my skin
in my thoughts, my dreams
hold my breath, suffocation

i can still smell the eucalyptus trees. the warm rain falling from frail limbs. blown in the rain. swept up by the hot spring winds. let me feel you on my face. in my stomach. down where my soul, my life, my every feeling, hides behind shadows of love. pull the blanket around my chin, the splish and pitter, the splash and patter, lulling me to sleep. never again. never the same. never that feeling.

a confession in church.

he tugged at her sleeve, nervously, hopelessly, as she moved down another seat, one more seat past where he wanted her to sit. this is how it always is. this is how they have always been. one step beyond his desires. one moment away from disaster. he clung to her arm and followed. one more seat, two more feet, before they sat down, she leaning to her left, away from him. his arm reached across the endless space, the cavernous three inches that separated his hand from hers, and grabbed it, squeezed. in response: a nod. she nodded. we will never last, not as long as you keep this up, she said. he blinked. he didn’t know what to do, this is what he has always done, how do you constantly change yourself to be something different than what you’ve always been? he wondered, eternity laid out before him in shades of loneliness. he leaned to his right. strong, dignified, respectable, and glanced back to his left, to her, through her, into her, to see if this was what she wanted. is this what you want? my dear? my love? my emptiness? I watched their symphony of despair from one row behind them, one seat to his right, and wondered how much longer she will put up with his weak existence. i can make you happy, he whispered in a prayer to her. i can give you everything you ever dreamed, just let me love you, let me hold you, let me bow to your every need, your every wish, command, hope, and you’ll see, you’ll see how strong i can be for you. i am the man you need. i am the man you want. he thought. they stood when they were told to stand. they clapped when they were told to clap. she a second before he. he with a glance to his left in between that second, confirming with her soul that this is what she wanted. i will stand and clap with you, sit and sing with you, run my fingers across your shoulder blades, through the ends of your hairs, forever. don’t leave me. he thought. he smiled. she never will. i will leave him as soon as these god damned lights go up. as soon as this man gets off stage and we are told to leave. i will leave him then. his sniveling, groveling, pathetic being suckling life from my every word. he doesn’t breathe in until i breathe out. i will leave him, the lights, when will these lights go up. she thought. she smiled. he glanced and smiled back, moving his head towards her, weighing in on her, hoping in on her, pucker up baby, here comes a kiss, he said. she gave in. i laughed to myself. laughed and laughed and laughed. she will give in, forever, scared to try another. scared to see what else she can find. this is how these things work. everyone settles. this is how—they got up. the lights went up. she turned to the right and her pregnant belly led her out of the aisle. i watched. she grabbed for his hand. squeezed. he led her up the stairs and out. married. happy. the grab of the sleeve…just a tug. that’s it. that’s all this was. forgive me.