The f in feelings

I am becoming someone I don’t want to become. I can feel it. I know I have talked a lot about feelings lately, and how I hate them, don’t want them, would rather feel nothing right now in life, and its because of this that I am becoming that person I don’t like.

I can understand why there are people who are cold to everything around them. Everyone knows someone like that. Someone who just doesn’t give a fuck about anything except what’s going to get them through the day or the week. They still like to have fun, actually, that’s all they want to do, but they won’t get deep with anyone. They won’t share how they are really feeling. Because maybe they at some point in their life made the decision NOT to feel anything. That’s who I feel like I am becoming. The fact that I can still feel it gives me hope that I am not there yet, but I am on the way.

I think you can make a decision to not feel certain things. To not let yourself, your mind, your body, have that feeling. I mean, you may still have it, but you can ignore so much so that for all practical purposes it is not there. The problems with feelings is that you share them with other people. Other people are responsible for your feelings in some way or another, but only if you let them be. Only if you give them the opportunity. I don’t want to give people the opportunity anymore. Other than those who are already close to me. When you give of yourself, be it to God or to other people, you are hoping that in return you will get something that makes you feel whole. We are all secretly searching for that thing that makes us feel whole, that makes us feel good. Well, maybe not all of us. I presume some have found it, and they are holding onto it, not sharing it, because they are whole…and they don’t need to share it. But what happens when time after time you end up getting hurt. Time after time it feels as if God is ripping things from you in order to bring you closer to him. All the while the thought of God feels about as far away from you as the east is from the west.

I don’t know what I am saying. Basically I feel myself changing into that person, or a person, that doesn’t want to get hurt anymore, by God or by people. It’s hard to give yourself to God, because no matter how much of yourself you give to God, you are still there…ready to mess it all up. It’s hard to put God before other people in your life. It’s like we are supposed to have this detached attachment to other people, where we don’t find our worth in other people, but meanwhile we spend every waking moment with them, and not God, by virtue of God not actually being here physically. I say forget the attachment part, and just be detached.

The problem is, I know I can’t. I will continue to give my heart away to things that I know will hurt me, I will continue to struggle with God — knowing I will fail, knowing there will be hurt at every step of the journey. Why? Because I know deep down that I want to be loved, I want to love, and I want to learn how to know God’s love.

~ by kevinthomas on November 14, 2005.