Theology of The Cursor

The cursor keeps blinking at me. It was in the top right hand corner for the longest time. Just sitting there, waiting for me to write something, waiting for me to make it move, to allow it to do its’ magic trick and make letters appear behind it everytime I press one of the keys it pimps to make its’ money. The Cursor. He rules his world. Everytime you hit that key, he says, I will show you that letter, but it will cost you. I laugh, it will cost me? I am the one making you work you stupid little cursor. Ah, that may be true, the cursor says, but once you put those letters down, I form the words, I form the sentences that stare back at you, mocking you, telling you they aren’t good enough for others to read, telling you that they aren’t the real sentences you want to write, the real sentences are still in your head you dumb human, I know it, I am The Cursor. He is right, these aren’t the sentences I want to write. But he was staring at me for so long I had to do something. Damn, he is in control. Look at these dumb sentences, they don’t mean anything. They don’t talk about the confusion I feel, the frustration, even the anger I feel. In church today I clapped my hands, swayed my body, stepped side to side, sang the words on the screen, repeated the words the person with the mic told me to say, and prayed that God would meet me there. I didn’t really mean the words I was singing. I was too busy looking around the person in front of me to see if the girl behind the lead singer was cute. She wasn’t. I mean, she might have been to someone, not me, not my type. I love my church though. I love the pastor, I love the worship, I love the people there…but sometimes I don’t love the one who we are there to worship. Have you ever felt that? I don’t know if it is alright to be angry at God. I wrote a poem and refused to capitalize God. Have you ever stood there in church, or in the street, or in your room, or in the bathroom looking at the mirror at the person that God created and wonder why God would create you and, if he knows all the days of our lives, and as some believe, knows all that we are going to do, and as some believe, is directing our every step, why would he make or let things happen they way they do? I don’t know what I believe about God’s will, I know a good lot of theories and theologies about God’s will, but I don’t which one I want to believe, well, I do know which one I want to believe: That God has a perfect plan for all of us. But I don’t. I know that his plan is perfect in the end, we will go to Heaven if we accept his son and believe in him. But all the stuff in between being born and going to heaven, I don’t know how much of that God directs. The whole free will thing really throws me for a loop. Like this dumb little cursor, we think we have total control over it, but in reality, maybe the cursor and it’s incessant blinking has control over us? Probably not, right? But whose to say. Why do we type as fast as we do, because everytime we see the cursor blink we know we could be typing faster. Say what’s on your mind, the cursor screams at us, it demands of us. Sometimes I wonder if God is in total control, of if we all just want to believe him to be because we see the cursor in our lives starting to blink and we freak out, panic, try and find the easy button but there isn’t one, there is only religion to turn to, and we pray and give it up to him. And then no matter what happens it is in God’s will, and there must be some reason for it happening, so we let him take control of it to make the cursor stop blinking. I choose to follow God. And it makes me angry sometimes. It makes me frustrated, and it makes me angry when it feels like it is all for not, but I choose God. Not this mystical cursor.

~ by kevinthomas on February 27, 2006.