Blind Man’s Bluff
Have you ever been afraid to read the Bible? Have you ever looked at it and sighed because it seems so impenetrable, like no matter how much of it you read, how much of it you study, you will never be able to get a grasp on…how to live your life better? How to “be more like Christ?”
It has been a long time since I read the Bible regularly. To be honest, I have only read a few chapters here and there since I broke down earlier this year. This past week I tried to start again, I opened up to 1st Corinthians and began to read. I don’t have the faintest idea what Paul was saying in the first couple chapters, it was like trying to read something in the middle of a moshpit at a Metallica concert. My mind was everywhere, I could barely focus on the words that my eyes were moving over. I read the first two chapters because I didn’t think the first one had anything for me, then the second, then the third, and on and on…
The Bible is a huge book. Sixty-six books within the book. My dad says that God’s will is in that book. Other’s say that part of his will is in there, the other part is out there somewhere in the cosmos, waiting for you to wait on God to hear him tell you something, like how he spoke to Paul, or Joshua, or Moses. Sometimes I think it is pretty vain for people to think that God would actually speak to us, all of us, give all of us some special mission to do like Paul and Joshua. Out of all the great leaders in the Bible how many people in the Bible were just following, not being spoken too? And now all of God’s hard work is in the Bible, his words are written down for us to see, for us to hear, for us to understand his will. And yet, I still want him to speak to me like he did to Paul. To blind me on the way to Bus Boys and Poets and tell me what my mission is, or what it was, maybe I have missed the boat, and he can tell me how to catch it.
Pages and pages and pages of words, passed down from a gazillion years ago, sitting by my bed, holding the key. Right? The key to what? Some say it’s like a user’s guide to life. Other’s like a map to the treasure, yet other’s like a blueprint to the universe, but to me, when I look at the Bible, sometimes it just looks like a book. A book with two beginnings, and an ending that makes Alfred Hitchcock look sane.
And then there is this guy who walks onto the scene after years of being talked about and lives the perfect life, and then he dies, and then other talk about how to live like him, and why, and what will happen if we do or don’t, and there isn’t anything like Mad Libs where I can write in my own verbs or adjectives, or anything like Choose Your Own Adventure where I get to decide what happens next, no, it just says this is what happened, and this is what’s going to happen, and gives us two main principles to live by, and says Good Luck, see you on the other side. At least, that’s how it feels sometimes.
But then I hear my pastor preach about one measly little chapter in Joshua, the first one, and he somehow makes me believe that even though God isn’t going to come down and blind me and everyone else who is wondering about God, he still has a plan for us, in some form, some way, he still has a plan for us; and in fact, his plan might not be as confusing as we seem to want it to be, or try and make it to be, or loathe it to be, but instead, his plan is for us to place one foot after another and trust him that when we do there will be something holding us up, even though it might feel shaky, it might feel like it is crumbling, it might feel like nothing is even there, he wants and hopes and prays that we will keep taking steps towards him, with him, and for him.
At night when I get ready for bed I think about reading my Bible, the Bible, and it usually seems pointless. So I turn the light out and try to ignore the feeling that I really should be reading the Bible, that I really am in no place where I, of all people, should be turning my cheek to the Bible, to God’s revealed will, assuming there is an unrevealing will, a will that could I pray for, wait for, and not take a step for. Regardless of all the confusion, the ambiguity, the irony, the trap doors and false walls, I have decided that the only way to figure any of it out is to begin to take steps, knowing that God will provide something for my foot to land on…because the Bible tells me so.
kevinthomas
True words, thanks for them.
a few weeks ago i almost responded to one of your blogs, i actually wrote something out and then thought it was stupid and just closed the window. you were talking about darkness, mostly about sciopath like folks, but i thought you were onto something. theres comes a time i think that every person finds himself surrounded by darkness. has no clue were to go, what to do, or no idea why they do the things they do. whether its horrible events in life, or just a mental breakdowns, we find ourselves lost, blind. i learned early in life that its these trials that are suppost to make us better, draw us closer to God. but when you’re in the situation, experienceing the pain it almost automatic for me to forget about God and feel sorry for myself. i try to run away from the darkness, avoid the pain, and fix the problem. but this only makes it worse and i realize i suck. but God doesn’t. it think we try to fix ourselves by reading His word. we try to better ourselves when its only God who can fix us, mold us and tell us what the hell He’s talking about. simple and what seems to be trite answers always piss me off but i think we just make them seem simple and trite. i don’t know, what do you think?